"this walrus is here to stay"

I saw an old friend yesterday. Or more like acquaintance, i guess you can say. We aren't really friends since we didn't even say "hi" when we saw each other. Nor did we ever really have a formal introduction to one another in person. Also, the last time we talked was a really long time ago and i don't even remember what it was about.

Anyways, seeing this person made me realize something just now as i was going through my blogs. People actually used to read my blog about two to three years ago. I wonder if anyone does now. Always been sort of curious. It would be cool to be a fan base, but then again i guess i really am just writing for myself.

Lately, all i've seemed to be able to write about were school, my boyfriend, life...i guess that's the gist of it. Since then, i haven't really been sad over anything really. I also learned to not write too much about my problems on here for people to read. I don't really have much "deep" thoughts anymore. I don't know if my sad depressing posts from three years ago could really be considered as "deep", but generally anything depressing can come across as deep. Maybe, maybe not.

There could be a couple aspects as to why no one really reads my blog anymore...
1. Most of everyone has hopped over to Tumblr -- the fake blog. No one really really blogs there. It's just a bunch of pictures! And "reblogs" of things they feel they can relate to. Then the occasional original posting that you would make yourself.
2. The people that actually used to read my blog (i think) were people from church. I guess because we were something like a family, and we were close to one another. Oh i don't know. When i was more close to people from church, that's when i would more frequently hear "oh i read your blog."
3. No one really cares too much? I don't know. Did anyone ever or were people just bored.

You know what would be cool? If i ever became a famous blogger, just based off of this one blog of mine. Too bad this blog doesn't really have an overall them. For goodness sakes, it's titled "this walrus is here to stay" And by the way, if anyone has ever wondered why the hell i titled my blog this well when making it up, i really had no angle. It just sort of popped up into my mind and my fingers typed it out. I liked it so i kept it. Then after a while i realized that it fits in some way, and it does have a meaning behind it. The fact that it's so absurd and random can depict myself as a person in some levels. Whether it's by the blog posts that i write, or just me on a daily basis. Most may not know me, so you wouldn't see me a strange person. It's just the idea that no matter how strange i am (or am not) or different i may be, i'm here to stay.

♥

Write Drunk; Edit Sober

Saturday night, i'm at home. Have you ever thought to yourself, "there's something wrong with me.."? How come you are the way that you are...and why do you do the things that you do. Do you purposely do things to piss people off or something? Have you ever thought to yourself, "why the fuck am i like this"? 

Saturday night, i'm at home...alone. I have the option to be around people, to be with my boyfriend and drink. Why aren't i? There must be something wrong with me. Here's my problem. I have problem with meeting new people and building connections. I have a problem making an impact on someone's life, i give off this vibe where, "wow this girl is difficult to talk to". And that's exactly how i am. I'm hard to talk to. But here's my problem, the way that i can talk to people is if they give off the vibe that they're interested in getting to know me that when they talk to me it's not something forced upon.

Why would i think that someone is actually genuinely trying to be my friend if it sound like they have to make a conversation with me? 

That's why it is sort of hard for me to befriend girls. Especially the girls of my boyfriend's social group. But let's just stay on the topic of making friends with girls in general. First of all, girls are judgmental bitches. (I use the term "bitch" lightly, not implying that all girls are bitches) We see a girl and we look at them up and down, "profile" them i guess you can say. See how they are, how they present themselves. 

Okay, i really don't know. Something about girls, they're just fucking hard to make friends with. I try. I wish i had more lady friends. Anyone want to take me up on the offer? 

I'm a complete dud. I'm hard to talk to. But for some reason there really is that select few that i can easily talk to. I guess because they give off an inviting vibe. Then there are just those people that are so damn hard to connect with...

I guess all i have to say is that there is definitely something wrong with me because it's so hard for me to make friends that it actually poses as a problem in my relationship. I hate myself for that, i really try hard but it's so difficult. It's just how i am...All the people i'm currently friend made a great deal of effort to be in my life. That's what i'm used to. 

I could be better...but im not sure how much better i can get. I always fall back. 

P.s. I'm not drunk